Active Listening

I sometimes joke, right? Have you ever had something come in one ear and out the other? Well, shouldn’t it run into something in between there, like get stopped?

This video is about active listening, right? And this is the idea that there’s an actual skill set we can use in order to listen better. I want to be clear; this is not one of those videos about how to do certain things to make it look like you’re listening better. No, this is about listening more effectively.

There are really three principles or tools you can use to be a better active listener.

The first one is what I sometimes call listening for more than what is said or listening for what is speaking as much as what’s being said. To do that, keep this acronym in mind: BELL—Body, Emotions, Language.

Body, Emotions, Language—that means you’re listening to more than just the words, but also to what’s going on in their body, in their physical expression. Emotions—are there shifts in their emotional state as they talk through something? And then, Language—again, not just the literal words, but are they going back to certain words? Are they using words that indicate something going on below the surface, like uncertainty, apprehension, or anxiety?

So, the first piece is to listen to their body, their emotions, and their language—not just their words.

The second principle is called mirroring, or holding it up to them. This is essentially paraphrasing back, but you don’t need to do this after every sentence. For example, if you’re talking to someone and they say, “Hey, you know, I’m kind of struggling with this one project, and I’ve got to deal with these things going on,” you might say, “Oh, you’re struggling with this one project, and you’ve got these things going on, is that right?” They’ll respond, “Uh, yeah, it’s just been kind of annoying.” And you could say, “Yeah, it’s been kind of annoying.”

You’re not a parrot, okay? You’re a person. But it’s really important not to overlook this because if someone communicates a more complex idea, maybe how they’re feeling, they might say, “You know, I’m just feeling a little bit tense about this.” And maybe you say, “Oh, so I hear you say you’re feeling stressed.” But they might respond, “Well, maybe to you stress and tense are the same thing, but to me, it’s different. It’s not like I’m stressed out; it’s more like I’m a little tense.”

So, it’s really important to offer up these kinds of “holding up their words” to them so they can see themselves and see what they’re saying clearly. This confirms your understanding, or not.

That’s the second principle.

The third one is asking open, short, powerful questions. This is important because often, when we’re supposed to be listening, we’re really giving advice. And there’s certainly a time and place for that, don’t get me wrong. If someone asks for advice or you’re showing someone how to do something, of course, give it. But really try to hold back a little bit, let them talk through things, do the work, and explore the significance of it.

Above all, just seek to understand, right? That’s a really helpful phrase—you’re seeking to understand as opposed to figuring it out or solving it for them. So, you’re sort of mirroring and asking them, “Hey, what’s the significance of that? Would you say more about that? What about that’s important to you? What does this mean for you?”

Whatever the case, you’re trying to connect to the significance of it. If there’s a specific question you want to ask, go ahead, but avoid close-ended questions. For example, if someone says they’re struggling with work-life balance, instead of asking, “Is it a matter of working too much, or do you have too much going on?” you could say, “How does that show up for you?”

See, in the first one, it’s closed—you’re giving them two or three options: Is it this or this? The second one, you’re creating spaciousness and exploring with them.

So, there you have it—three rules.

And let me just say, this is a great thing to use with your team at work, but it’s even more impactful when you use it with a partner, a significant other, a family member, or a friend, etc.

Again, rule number one is to listen for more than what is said—listen for body, emotions, and language. The second one is to hold it up to them—paraphrase. And the third one is to ask powerful, open questions.

Here’s your assignment: You’re going to practice this. Get into small groups or pairs, and take turns. One person is going to talk through something they’re excited about for three minutes, just sharing details of it, and the other person is going to practice those active listening skills—holding it up to them, looking for what activates in their body and emotions, and asking powerful questions.

Then you’re going to switch and report back. How was that? Was it different? Did you notice a quality in your attention as the listener? And just as importantly, as the speaker, did it feel different to be heard in such an active and intentional way?

Thanks for watching. Enjoy your assignment, and I’ll see you next time.